Have you ever had one of those dreams that's so freaking strange and EXTREMELY detailed that you had to dedicate an entire blog post to sharing it with the public? No? Okay, maybe it's just me.
But seriously, this dream was about five kinds of messed up.
It all started off at the house I share with my significant other. We continuously noticed, each day as we'd come home from work, that there'd be random gifts at the back door. Sometimes flowers, sometimes stuffed animals, but each gift always had a note attached and addressed to me.
At first, the notes were simplistic. They'd say things like, "To: Rein. From: your biggest fan", and the like. But as we continued coming home to gifts, the notes began to get more elaborate...and creepy...and graphic. I could feel myself becoming more and more uncomfortable with these gifts and notes, and at my boyfriend's suggestion we just began throwing them away (of course, being that this is Dream World, we didn't think to do the LOGICAL thing like call the police), and we simply carried on with our lives.
That is, until said "biggest fan" showed up at the house in person.
I came home from work alone one day to find a tall man with short blonde hair and a sick grin standing on the walkway from my garage to the back door. He was holding roses, and introduced himself to me as the secret admirer. He asked me if I would be interested in going on a date with him and said he had a very nice sports car parked in our alley.
I begin to internally freak the hell out, but remained calm when I explained to him that, while I'm flattered by his gifts, I am in a committed relationship and have no interest in changing that any time soon. He nods, seeming to understand, and goes away.
For whatever reason, that night the boyfriend and I have guests over at our home, including my parents. We hear a knock at the door and answer, innocently assuming it's just another party guest. NOPE. It's Mr. Biggest Fan, and for once he has no gifts to bring.
He steps into the living room and goes into this long-winded speech about why I should be with him - that he'd shower me in presents every day for as long as I lived and he'd give me anything my heart could possibly desire. I look around. Boyfriend is no longer anywhere to be found at this point, but my dad is, and dads make everything better.
My dad gets in this guy's face. He tells him he has no right to come into his daughter's home and attempt to lure her away from her family. He also calls the guy mentally unstable and demands that he leave before he calls the cops.
Then shit hits the fan. The guy goes beserk. He pulls out a switchblade and comes at both me and my dad. He stabs my dad in the shoulder.
He stabbed. My dad. In the shoulder.
Then he came at me. I moved just enough for him to miss stabbing me anywhere fatal. Instead the knife went into my arm. You ever have those dreams where you can really FEEL something happen? Yeah...somewhere in the back of my subconsious I knew how it felt to be stabbed, because I FELT that shit.
Biggest Fan and I begin wrestling each other for the knife. The entire time this is happening, I'm screaming for help, and no one is helping me. All of my party guests are still in the house, boyfriend is still no where in sight, and now my dad is missing too. But yep, totally on my own, because that's how nightmares work. It's me against this stalker psychopath. In my head, I could hear myself thinking (almost narrating, even), "So, this is it. This is how I'm going to die. I'm going to be stabbed to death repeatedly in my own home by a psychotic fan. Fate, you're cruel..."
I didn't die though. SOMEHOW I was able to out-muscle him. This would never have happened in real life, but Dream Rein is apparently the Hulk. Once I got the knife you'd better believe I stabbed the daylights out of him. Real Me is quite proud of Dream Me for that one.
Absolute insanity. There was no way I couldn't share this with all of you. I believe in dream interpretation and everything, but I have no clue what the universe would be trying to tell me with something like THAT. Hopefully you all at least got a kick out of the hell that is my subconsious.
On a happy note, the dream did end with me going on to emcee a beauty pageant with a member of the Blacklist. I had a scar on my arm (that I only noticed because my co-host mentioned that I seemed to be healing up nicely), but I still looked damn good. And clearly that's all that matters.
-Rein
Friday, March 8, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Severing Ties
A very common theme seems to be popping up in my life. That theme generally makes people uncomfortable and no one likes to talk about it in depth - especially me - because it involves facing cold, honest truth that we'd rather shove to the back of our minds.
That theme is cutting a person out of your life.
I'm one of those people who can appear strong and badass on the outside, but on the inside be almost desperately needy for love and affection from others (I believe I went into more detail about this in a previous blog). Because of this, I will more often than not hold on to relationships that aren't good for me out of a fear of being alone, or remain friends with people who are poisonous for the same reason. I am good at convincing myself that "deep down they're good", or the classic and over-used, "I can change them!" mentality comes into play. For me, cutting a person out of my life is almost an impossible, not to mention crippling, feat.
But I've done it before. There is always hope, no matter how small.
I want to talk to you guys about recognizing when a relationship needs to come to an end with an unfriending on Facebook and a deletion of a phone number. There's signs, there's red flags, and once you've caught on to them you can decide whether or not to take action.
Now, keep in mind I'm referring to seriously mentally/emotionally damaging relationships in this post. I'm not saying you should cut someone out of your life just because you had a minor spat. People should only really be booted if they're doing serious damage to your happiness or stifling your potential to grow as a person. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do I get as much as I give in this relationship? Or do I give far more than I get?
I'm not talking about presents here - I'm talking about respect, understanding, compassion, and things of that nature.
2. Does this person support me and help me grow?
If the answer is no, ask yourself if this person more often than not puts down your ideas or seeks to "out do" you in your endeavors.
3. Does this person make me happy?
This is a hard one, because it involves a lot of brutally honest soul searching. Do you feel like this person lifts you up? Could you live (I mean, live) without this person in your life?
4. What would my life be like without this person in it?
If you feel like you would be more at ease, more stable, and more positive without him/her, it might be time to consider letting this person go.
I realize this all seems obvious and elementary, but the thing is, when it comes down to actually cutting someone out after you recognize they do you no good, sticking TO this is most often where I (and others) fuck up. Because it's so hard to resist the charm and dashing smile of someone you once really loved staring at you with that striking gaze, saying, "Baby, give me one more chance, I love you, I think about you all the time and" *cough* Yep, and there you have it, you're back in the pit.
You can probably tell I've been in this situation more times than I'd like to admit...
I realize that this may not be the ideal way to do things, and this won't work for everyone, but for me cutting a person out means getting as far away from that person as possible. Delete their number, block them on every social media site you use, and if they are in the same building as you, leave. For me, the only way I can successfully get rid of the poison is to force myself to believe it doesn't exist. That's probably a little...um...extremist, but if all else fails for you (because you're just as hopeless as I am) there is always that option.
This entry feels kind of rambly. I guess what I'm ultimately trying to say is that all of you, at some point, will come across a friendship or relationship that does you no good and you will need to end. You have to put on your big-kid underwear and be honest with yourself in recognizing the issue, and you really have to try hard to deal with the sadness and heartbreak of severing the connection. Luckily, there are things called ice cream and booze that help us deal with these issues!
Actually, maybe not booze. Booze leads one to want to drunk text/dial, and that could get you back into the pit too.
Maybe online shopping or exercise.
Till next time, take care of yourselves, and each other.
-Rein
That theme is cutting a person out of your life.
I'm one of those people who can appear strong and badass on the outside, but on the inside be almost desperately needy for love and affection from others (I believe I went into more detail about this in a previous blog). Because of this, I will more often than not hold on to relationships that aren't good for me out of a fear of being alone, or remain friends with people who are poisonous for the same reason. I am good at convincing myself that "deep down they're good", or the classic and over-used, "I can change them!" mentality comes into play. For me, cutting a person out of my life is almost an impossible, not to mention crippling, feat.
But I've done it before. There is always hope, no matter how small.
I want to talk to you guys about recognizing when a relationship needs to come to an end with an unfriending on Facebook and a deletion of a phone number. There's signs, there's red flags, and once you've caught on to them you can decide whether or not to take action.
Now, keep in mind I'm referring to seriously mentally/emotionally damaging relationships in this post. I'm not saying you should cut someone out of your life just because you had a minor spat. People should only really be booted if they're doing serious damage to your happiness or stifling your potential to grow as a person. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do I get as much as I give in this relationship? Or do I give far more than I get?
I'm not talking about presents here - I'm talking about respect, understanding, compassion, and things of that nature.
2. Does this person support me and help me grow?
If the answer is no, ask yourself if this person more often than not puts down your ideas or seeks to "out do" you in your endeavors.
3. Does this person make me happy?
This is a hard one, because it involves a lot of brutally honest soul searching. Do you feel like this person lifts you up? Could you live (I mean, live) without this person in your life?
4. What would my life be like without this person in it?
If you feel like you would be more at ease, more stable, and more positive without him/her, it might be time to consider letting this person go.
I realize this all seems obvious and elementary, but the thing is, when it comes down to actually cutting someone out after you recognize they do you no good, sticking TO this is most often where I (and others) fuck up. Because it's so hard to resist the charm and dashing smile of someone you once really loved staring at you with that striking gaze, saying, "Baby, give me one more chance, I love you, I think about you all the time and" *cough* Yep, and there you have it, you're back in the pit.
You can probably tell I've been in this situation more times than I'd like to admit...
I realize that this may not be the ideal way to do things, and this won't work for everyone, but for me cutting a person out means getting as far away from that person as possible. Delete their number, block them on every social media site you use, and if they are in the same building as you, leave. For me, the only way I can successfully get rid of the poison is to force myself to believe it doesn't exist. That's probably a little...um...extremist, but if all else fails for you (because you're just as hopeless as I am) there is always that option.
This entry feels kind of rambly. I guess what I'm ultimately trying to say is that all of you, at some point, will come across a friendship or relationship that does you no good and you will need to end. You have to put on your big-kid underwear and be honest with yourself in recognizing the issue, and you really have to try hard to deal with the sadness and heartbreak of severing the connection. Luckily, there are things called ice cream and booze that help us deal with these issues!
Actually, maybe not booze. Booze leads one to want to drunk text/dial, and that could get you back into the pit too.
Maybe online shopping or exercise.
Till next time, take care of yourselves, and each other.
-Rein
Monday, February 25, 2013
Don't Be That Girl: The "Feather"
A few weekends ago, I had the honor being a part of a show called Stand Up Face Off, which was hosted by two very talented comedians: Wayne Lyter and Josh Kahn. Josh texted me at 8am the morning of their Saturday show, saying that their original Card Girl was unable to perform due to an injury, and asked if I'd be willing to take her place.
Being a rabid attention whore desperate for actual "stage time", how could I say no?
The show was set up to be a duel against two teams: Team Wayne and Team Josh. Each team selected three talented local comedians to face off against each other in a battle of humor, and there was one set that particularly got my attention, thus inspiring my latest installment of DBTG. This set detailed a particularly classless breed of woman known as the "Feather".
What is a Feather, exactly? Said comedian defined Feather Girls to be the type to be "fingered on the dancefloor of Malarkey's" (a night club in the District of the Quad Cities for those who don't know). I'm sure that gives you more than enough indication to what kind of girl I'm referencing...yep. The girl who gets way too drunk EVERY weekend, sleeps with ALL the boys, and is so "like, oh ma gawd hawt" (more like "oh mah gawd, hawt MESS"...I'm so clever).
Bitches don't wanna be that, and if you are one you sure as hell don't like to talk about it openly.
I've been fortunate enough to be friends with Feathers at various points in my life (by friends, I mean drinking buddies), so I've gotten to see these interesting ladies in battle mode in person. I can't express enough how entertaining it is to sip a Jack-and-Coke and watch these poor piles of mess wreck themselves publicly. In one night, I literally saw one girl swap spit with twenty...yes, I said TWENTY, different guys. I was actually mildly impressed, and wanted to hand her an award when she didn't come down with some horrible sickness a week later. Another instance was at a dance club where I watched a Feather attempt to hook up with one guy, pout when he wouldn't give her attention, move on and attempt to get with a DIFFERENT guy, and then bounce right back to the original one.
Seriously ladies, bravo. It must be hard work being so...flexible? Interpret that as you will...
You can be a lot of DBTGs, but try your hardest not to be a Feather. Please. I'm all for being a sexual person, if that's your thing, but keep it classy. Men should have to work for our attention, affection, and to see the sweet spot between our legs. Don't let loneliness, insecurity, or our best friend alcohol tell you differently.
Someday, my fair readers, I will be more religious about updating this thing and won't leave you hanging for weeks at a time. No, really, I'm not bull shitting you.
Till next time,
-Rein
Being a rabid attention whore desperate for actual "stage time", how could I say no?
The show was set up to be a duel against two teams: Team Wayne and Team Josh. Each team selected three talented local comedians to face off against each other in a battle of humor, and there was one set that particularly got my attention, thus inspiring my latest installment of DBTG. This set detailed a particularly classless breed of woman known as the "Feather".
What is a Feather, exactly? Said comedian defined Feather Girls to be the type to be "fingered on the dancefloor of Malarkey's" (a night club in the District of the Quad Cities for those who don't know). I'm sure that gives you more than enough indication to what kind of girl I'm referencing...yep. The girl who gets way too drunk EVERY weekend, sleeps with ALL the boys, and is so "like, oh ma gawd hawt" (more like "oh mah gawd, hawt MESS"...I'm so clever).
A classic Feather in action, courtesy of Google Images
Bitches don't wanna be that, and if you are one you sure as hell don't like to talk about it openly.
I've been fortunate enough to be friends with Feathers at various points in my life (by friends, I mean drinking buddies), so I've gotten to see these interesting ladies in battle mode in person. I can't express enough how entertaining it is to sip a Jack-and-Coke and watch these poor piles of mess wreck themselves publicly. In one night, I literally saw one girl swap spit with twenty...yes, I said TWENTY, different guys. I was actually mildly impressed, and wanted to hand her an award when she didn't come down with some horrible sickness a week later. Another instance was at a dance club where I watched a Feather attempt to hook up with one guy, pout when he wouldn't give her attention, move on and attempt to get with a DIFFERENT guy, and then bounce right back to the original one.
Seriously ladies, bravo. It must be hard work being so...flexible? Interpret that as you will...
You can be a lot of DBTGs, but try your hardest not to be a Feather. Please. I'm all for being a sexual person, if that's your thing, but keep it classy. Men should have to work for our attention, affection, and to see the sweet spot between our legs. Don't let loneliness, insecurity, or our best friend alcohol tell you differently.
Someday, my fair readers, I will be more religious about updating this thing and won't leave you hanging for weeks at a time. No, really, I'm not bull shitting you.
Till next time,
-Rein
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Rein Razer Defines "Shame"
The best advice I've ever heard in the performance realm is, "If you possess an ounce of shame, this isn't the field for you."
I want to focus on this strange element today, and this quote of advice from a fellow performer. I think when most people hear the word "shame", they associate with some sort of negative behavior. The phrase "Have you no shame?" comes to mind for me, being used as a tool to reprimand someone for a poor decision or judegement. Yet, when it comes to performing, "shame" is something that should be avoided at all costs. I'm encouraged to feel ashamed for my poor decisions in every day life, but when it comes to the stage, modeling, what-have-you, I better not give two shits? Good GOD the contradictions in my BRAIN! So, how does one come to terms with this concept of, "I should be ashamed, and yet I shouldn't be at all"?
Hell, what IS shame to begin with?
I utilized Google to help with that.
I want to focus on this strange element today, and this quote of advice from a fellow performer. I think when most people hear the word "shame", they associate with some sort of negative behavior. The phrase "Have you no shame?" comes to mind for me, being used as a tool to reprimand someone for a poor decision or judegement. Yet, when it comes to performing, "shame" is something that should be avoided at all costs. I'm encouraged to feel ashamed for my poor decisions in every day life, but when it comes to the stage, modeling, what-have-you, I better not give two shits? Good GOD the contradictions in my BRAIN! So, how does one come to terms with this concept of, "I should be ashamed, and yet I shouldn't be at all"?
Hell, what IS shame to begin with?
I utilized Google to help with that.
Shame: 1. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace. 2. Capacity for such a feeling.
Okay, this makes it a little easier for me to process. Now I have to think about shame in terms of my modeling: do I feel guilty, embarrassed, or disgraceful for what I do? God no. SHOULD I? No way. There isn't a damn thing wrong with being sexy and confident in my body, or even a little bit vain about my appearance.
But have I ever felt shame? Sure.
But have I ever felt shame? Sure.
For starters, I've felt shame over some of my older shoots. I wasn't so much "fat" when I began modeling as I was just...unrefined in appearance. I've lost almost 20 pounds since my start and have begun seriously focusing on toning my muscles and taking care of my body. I've felt shame when someone has mocked my older shoots, because there's always a degree of truth behind the malice. I've felt even more shame over how I've chosen to handle the maliciousness and hatred of certain people towards my work (because instead of being the bigger person, I've sunk to their level and taken their bait).
That doesn't mean, though, that I should let shame control me or affect me for long. No one should allow that, no matter what you do. People want you to feel ashamed of yourself, because that will make you weaker and eventually wipe you from the map of competition, whether you're a model, a writer, or a stand-up comedian. Don't get me wrong, feeling shame is part of human nature, but don't let those haters get you so far down you can't get back up...they're probably really ugly, anyway.
This brings me to the second part of shame's definition - our capacity to feel such a thing. As I said before, we're human beings capable of a plethora (ooo look at you, Rein! Using big words and shit) of emotion, of course we have the capacity to feel shame! Just because you can, doesn't mean you should, though.
If you feel ashamed of yourself, over ANYTHING, seriously sit down in a quiet place and anaylze why you feel that way. Did you actually do something wrong, or does someone just want you to BELIEVE you did something wrong? There's no such thing as black and white in this world. What may be considered disgraceful in one person's eyes may be honorable in the eyes of another. No one knows the true nature of your actions and your craft but YOU. Always remember that you're the only one who can see yourself with 100% clarity...in short, screw everyone else's opinion but the one in your heart.
...
Man, what is with me today? I'm getting all deep and thoughtful lately.
Guess I just have a lot to think about.
Keep in touch for my upcoming second installment of DBTG: The "Feather", as well as a post surrounding some of my most recent projects and what my plans are for future collaborations.
Rock on, lovers!
-Rein
This brings me to the second part of shame's definition - our capacity to feel such a thing. As I said before, we're human beings capable of a plethora (ooo look at you, Rein! Using big words and shit) of emotion, of course we have the capacity to feel shame! Just because you can, doesn't mean you should, though.
If you feel ashamed of yourself, over ANYTHING, seriously sit down in a quiet place and anaylze why you feel that way. Did you actually do something wrong, or does someone just want you to BELIEVE you did something wrong? There's no such thing as black and white in this world. What may be considered disgraceful in one person's eyes may be honorable in the eyes of another. No one knows the true nature of your actions and your craft but YOU. Always remember that you're the only one who can see yourself with 100% clarity...in short, screw everyone else's opinion but the one in your heart.
...
Man, what is with me today? I'm getting all deep and thoughtful lately.
Guess I just have a lot to think about.
Keep in touch for my upcoming second installment of DBTG: The "Feather", as well as a post surrounding some of my most recent projects and what my plans are for future collaborations.
Rock on, lovers!
-Rein
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?
Did anyone ever read that story in high school? I did...creeped the hell out of me. But it's a fitting title for what I feel like writing about today...which is me (well duh). More specifically: where I'm going, and where I've been.
Everyone has a backstory. Everyone has baggage, skeletons, things they're ashamed of, and triumphs. We carry it with us every day and it affects how we interact with the world around us. No brainer, Psychology 101 right there. Anyway, I want to share that baggage with you and how I'm going to use it to achieve my goals and come out on top.
I like to describe myself as a burrito of mild vanity and creativity (among some other ingredients) wrapped in a tortilla of an almost desperate desire to be loved, accepted, and admired. Top that burrito off with a thick sauce of "I want to be someone's hero!" and there you have me - a heart-attack inducing receipe for disaster.
Growing up was interesting. I wasn't the most attractive child (definite ugly-duckling syndrome), so I was consistently picked on by my peers for (of course) physical attributes. I was underweight, kind of tall for my age, lanky, far from graceful, and sporting some SUPER STYLISH coke-bottle glasses. About the only thing I could do well was draw, so of course that's the origin of me immersing myself in art to escape to a happy world of my own. I also found video games and cartoons to be an excellent form of escape as well, and in fourth grade, I discovered my first anime: Sailor Moon.
Being ten, ugly, and awkward, Sailor Moon became my first real female role model. She was gorgeous, strong, had lots of friends, and won the heart of a hot guy in a tux who was secretly a prince! WINNING! Who wouldn't want to be like that?
*cough* Ahem...well let's get back on track.
It's pretty much to be expected that since I was unpopular and fairly unattractive until late high school, I had low self esteem and, to go along with it, low expectations for dating, which led to my first "official" boyfriend being a huge scumbag (he still has a great big punch in the nose coming from me, among other things) and (get this cake-topper), getting engaged at the age of 17 to the first decent young man I met! Cause God knows, if I didn't snag him right then, I would never be with a nice guy again.
Obviously, he and I didn't marry. My parents, being "so unfair and uncool", said "no way in HELL" and made sure I went to college (because they saw me having a future and being successful - thank you Mom and Dad!). We figured we'd just...you know...hold off for four years and THEN get hitched, but we ended up breaking up about a month after my first term started. Yep, long distance at its finest.
My self esteem took an even greater downward spiral at that point, which I was able to soothe with copious amounts of liquor and "serial dating" (basically hopping from guy to guy to try and fill a void). Needless to say, my actions done through self loathing hurt a lot of people and got me a fantastically poor reputation around campus. It's a wonder to some that I didn't just transfer out and start fresh, but I figured the thing to do was to just learn from my mistakes and try to grow from them, proving to others that you can indeed be a fuck-up in your youth and in the end turn out great (or at least functional).
So I've got baggage. Who doesn't, right? I made my choices and have now come to a point in life where I must decide: Where am I going? At this point I walk many paths and any one of them could split far off from the others at any time. My modeling, my art, my involvement with improv - they could all remain close together, or fade off. Only time will tell.
But where do I want to go...
I want to be able to call myself a "local celebrity" in the Quad Cities. I'm well on my way.
I can't wait to get on stage and perform again. God I miss singing. Throw that in the mix too.
I want my artwork to sell regularly, and receive commissions on a regular basis.
More than anything, I want people to know my name.
Because who doesn't want to be known?
I'll admit this is a little on the heavy side in terms of blogs...that's okay. I'm having one of those days where I think a lot, and think deeply. So I apologize if I've depressed anyone. But I'm not ashamed of my baggage or my past. No one should be. Everyone has it going on. Embrace it, learn, and look towards the path ahead.
Until next time, lovers.
-Rein
Everyone has a backstory. Everyone has baggage, skeletons, things they're ashamed of, and triumphs. We carry it with us every day and it affects how we interact with the world around us. No brainer, Psychology 101 right there. Anyway, I want to share that baggage with you and how I'm going to use it to achieve my goals and come out on top.
I like to describe myself as a burrito of mild vanity and creativity (among some other ingredients) wrapped in a tortilla of an almost desperate desire to be loved, accepted, and admired. Top that burrito off with a thick sauce of "I want to be someone's hero!" and there you have me - a heart-attack inducing receipe for disaster.
Growing up was interesting. I wasn't the most attractive child (definite ugly-duckling syndrome), so I was consistently picked on by my peers for (of course) physical attributes. I was underweight, kind of tall for my age, lanky, far from graceful, and sporting some SUPER STYLISH coke-bottle glasses. About the only thing I could do well was draw, so of course that's the origin of me immersing myself in art to escape to a happy world of my own. I also found video games and cartoons to be an excellent form of escape as well, and in fourth grade, I discovered my first anime: Sailor Moon.
Being ten, ugly, and awkward, Sailor Moon became my first real female role model. She was gorgeous, strong, had lots of friends, and won the heart of a hot guy in a tux who was secretly a prince! WINNING! Who wouldn't want to be like that?
*cough* Ahem...well let's get back on track.
It's pretty much to be expected that since I was unpopular and fairly unattractive until late high school, I had low self esteem and, to go along with it, low expectations for dating, which led to my first "official" boyfriend being a huge scumbag (he still has a great big punch in the nose coming from me, among other things) and (get this cake-topper), getting engaged at the age of 17 to the first decent young man I met! Cause God knows, if I didn't snag him right then, I would never be with a nice guy again.
Obviously, he and I didn't marry. My parents, being "so unfair and uncool", said "no way in HELL" and made sure I went to college (because they saw me having a future and being successful - thank you Mom and Dad!). We figured we'd just...you know...hold off for four years and THEN get hitched, but we ended up breaking up about a month after my first term started. Yep, long distance at its finest.
My self esteem took an even greater downward spiral at that point, which I was able to soothe with copious amounts of liquor and "serial dating" (basically hopping from guy to guy to try and fill a void). Needless to say, my actions done through self loathing hurt a lot of people and got me a fantastically poor reputation around campus. It's a wonder to some that I didn't just transfer out and start fresh, but I figured the thing to do was to just learn from my mistakes and try to grow from them, proving to others that you can indeed be a fuck-up in your youth and in the end turn out great (or at least functional).
So I've got baggage. Who doesn't, right? I made my choices and have now come to a point in life where I must decide: Where am I going? At this point I walk many paths and any one of them could split far off from the others at any time. My modeling, my art, my involvement with improv - they could all remain close together, or fade off. Only time will tell.
But where do I want to go...
I want to be able to call myself a "local celebrity" in the Quad Cities. I'm well on my way.
I can't wait to get on stage and perform again. God I miss singing. Throw that in the mix too.
I want my artwork to sell regularly, and receive commissions on a regular basis.
More than anything, I want people to know my name.
Because who doesn't want to be known?
I'll admit this is a little on the heavy side in terms of blogs...that's okay. I'm having one of those days where I think a lot, and think deeply. So I apologize if I've depressed anyone. But I'm not ashamed of my baggage or my past. No one should be. Everyone has it going on. Embrace it, learn, and look towards the path ahead.
Until next time, lovers.
-Rein
Monday, January 14, 2013
How to Grow From a Bad Review
It's happened to all of us - let's face it, not everyone is going to like what you do and how you do it. Sometimes it's a personal vendetta, other times it's legit. That's right, I'm talking about the dreaded "bad review".
Most people in modeling want to be liked...no...LOVED by everyone all over the world and become famous, if not internationally, then at LEAST locally, or within their field. Sometimes, though, you run into a situation where someone really didn't like your work, and they weren't afraid to let you know about it. Usually this takes the form of a portfolio review that you may post online or send out to agencies (unless you're cool like me and do everything freelance. In that case, it's magazines and photographers you're showing your work to).
I'd be lying if I said that having your work picked apart and ripped to shreds was easy to deal with. It isn't - it can actually really hurt, especially if you were hoping with all your heart for a good review. You spend so much time, energy, and money getting pictures done, and you feel like all your hard work was for nothing. But don't be sad for long. Instead, see it as a chance to re-visit your work, anaylze it in a new light, and grow!
I still have, in my Model Mayhem inbox, the first formal portfolio review I was ever given. It was not a good review. Pretty much every picture was gone through and picked apart, and usually the review of each photo contained "This isn't flattering", "Remove from your portfolio", and the like. Of course I was sad about it, because it was given by a model I admired and wanted to impress. But I took a day or two away from it, went back and looked it over again, and in a calmer state of mind was really able to see what she was getting at. Some things were a matter of pose and face, others were just having the right photographer for the right shoot. In the end, I learned to take that bad review and turn it into a chance to grow and develop.
So here's a list of things that were wrong with my work, and how I improved them (granted, I'm still working on SOME things, but I'm getting there!)
1. Photographer not right for the concept: This one was the easiest to fix, because all I needed to do was work with more photographers! At the time I had this review done, I had worked with 3 or 4 people, and to be fair, a couple of those photographers were "growing" as well. But I did notice that sometimes certain concepts weren't right for the styles of those photographers I was working with. By expanding my network, I'm now able to know exactly who do go for for which themes and ideas.
2. Wardrobe Unflattering: Every now and then there'd be a photo where the wardrobe just didn't really work. Sometimes it was fit, sometimes it was too many prints/textures clashing. Sometimes it was the wrong makeup or hair style, too. I spend a lot more time doing research and carefully selecting outfit pieces for shoots now, and everything from the makeup colors to the accessories and wigs are chosen with care and focus on the concept I'm trying to create.
3. Face: This has been the biggest challenge for me and it's still something I'm working on, although I feel like I've gotten significantly better with this since I started modeling. By "face", I'm referring to facial expression, and this has been where I've gotten slammed the hardest in terms of critique. My earliest photos have very weak face, mainly because I'm new to the field and lacking in confidence. I've had to learn to really "own it" since my beginnings. In my first portfolio review, a lot of critique was centered around making the wrong type of face for the photo. What I did was I picked up a couple things this model suggested: "A more teasing look in the eye", "Softer", and "Playful" stuck out to me. I practice these looks in the mirror to try and master them. Some of the best advice I've ever been given in face was provided to me by my hair stylist, who is also a burlesque performer. She told me to do a couple things: one was to look at the camera, and imagine the lens is someone you really want to fuck. The second thing was to just flat out imagine you were fucking. I've used these tips before, and the results were pretty damn great (don't believe me? Check out my 50 Shades of Rein photos on Facebook. Oh, and the pinup photos of me in victory rolls with the fan. Was definitely thinking about fucking then).
So from a negative review, I've been able to grow. I hope that you all who have or will receive a bad review can do the same, because even though it might hurt your feelings at first, it's a great opportunity to analyze your weaknesses and become better. I'm very confident that I'm a much stronger model and online presence than I was this time last year, and I have the honesty of others to thank for it!
Until next time, keep being your awesome selves!
-Rein
Most people in modeling want to be liked...no...LOVED by everyone all over the world and become famous, if not internationally, then at LEAST locally, or within their field. Sometimes, though, you run into a situation where someone really didn't like your work, and they weren't afraid to let you know about it. Usually this takes the form of a portfolio review that you may post online or send out to agencies (unless you're cool like me and do everything freelance. In that case, it's magazines and photographers you're showing your work to).
I'd be lying if I said that having your work picked apart and ripped to shreds was easy to deal with. It isn't - it can actually really hurt, especially if you were hoping with all your heart for a good review. You spend so much time, energy, and money getting pictures done, and you feel like all your hard work was for nothing. But don't be sad for long. Instead, see it as a chance to re-visit your work, anaylze it in a new light, and grow!
I still have, in my Model Mayhem inbox, the first formal portfolio review I was ever given. It was not a good review. Pretty much every picture was gone through and picked apart, and usually the review of each photo contained "This isn't flattering", "Remove from your portfolio", and the like. Of course I was sad about it, because it was given by a model I admired and wanted to impress. But I took a day or two away from it, went back and looked it over again, and in a calmer state of mind was really able to see what she was getting at. Some things were a matter of pose and face, others were just having the right photographer for the right shoot. In the end, I learned to take that bad review and turn it into a chance to grow and develop.
So here's a list of things that were wrong with my work, and how I improved them (granted, I'm still working on SOME things, but I'm getting there!)
1. Photographer not right for the concept: This one was the easiest to fix, because all I needed to do was work with more photographers! At the time I had this review done, I had worked with 3 or 4 people, and to be fair, a couple of those photographers were "growing" as well. But I did notice that sometimes certain concepts weren't right for the styles of those photographers I was working with. By expanding my network, I'm now able to know exactly who do go for for which themes and ideas.
2. Wardrobe Unflattering: Every now and then there'd be a photo where the wardrobe just didn't really work. Sometimes it was fit, sometimes it was too many prints/textures clashing. Sometimes it was the wrong makeup or hair style, too. I spend a lot more time doing research and carefully selecting outfit pieces for shoots now, and everything from the makeup colors to the accessories and wigs are chosen with care and focus on the concept I'm trying to create.
3. Face: This has been the biggest challenge for me and it's still something I'm working on, although I feel like I've gotten significantly better with this since I started modeling. By "face", I'm referring to facial expression, and this has been where I've gotten slammed the hardest in terms of critique. My earliest photos have very weak face, mainly because I'm new to the field and lacking in confidence. I've had to learn to really "own it" since my beginnings. In my first portfolio review, a lot of critique was centered around making the wrong type of face for the photo. What I did was I picked up a couple things this model suggested: "A more teasing look in the eye", "Softer", and "Playful" stuck out to me. I practice these looks in the mirror to try and master them. Some of the best advice I've ever been given in face was provided to me by my hair stylist, who is also a burlesque performer. She told me to do a couple things: one was to look at the camera, and imagine the lens is someone you really want to fuck. The second thing was to just flat out imagine you were fucking. I've used these tips before, and the results were pretty damn great (don't believe me? Check out my 50 Shades of Rein photos on Facebook. Oh, and the pinup photos of me in victory rolls with the fan. Was definitely thinking about fucking then).
So from a negative review, I've been able to grow. I hope that you all who have or will receive a bad review can do the same, because even though it might hurt your feelings at first, it's a great opportunity to analyze your weaknesses and become better. I'm very confident that I'm a much stronger model and online presence than I was this time last year, and I have the honesty of others to thank for it!
Until next time, keep being your awesome selves!
-Rein
Don't Be That Girl Volume 1: The Excuse Maker
"Oh hey, Rein, way to fucking fail at making timely posts and keep me impatiently waiting to read your blog"...said no one ever.
I kid. I'm sure there's like...five of you who religiously read this, if not for the words of wisdom, then for the constant waves of snark and no-nonsense that I embody. And I do sincerly apologize for not making a post at all last week, so let me make it up to you by writing the first of what will be, I'm sure, SEVERAL of my rants against the female gender: Don't Be That Girl.
DBTG is going to be a new series of themed posts I write when I feel like spicing up this blog and detracting from the normal Model Monday and Art Wednesday routine. As a female, I quite naturally have a lot of problems with other females (hence why 93% of my friends are men), and I'd like to take a moment to point out those characteristics some women embody that drive the rest of our gender absolutely bat-shit crazy.
**Disclaimer** These posts are not, and never will be, directed at specific women I know personally, nor will any "scenarios" be a direct representation of someone I know personally or be taken from conversations I had in real life. I might be snarky, but I'm not a bully. If by chance you happen to take offense to these posts, it's probably because you actually embody the characteristics I'm ranting about and are getting a harsh dose of Rein Razer honesty. So keep that in mind before you go out for my blood. Okay? Okay.
Now, here we go! On to my first DBTG rant: The Excuse Maker.
The Excuse Maker (EM) is one of my least favorite people, gender aside. No matter what route could be taken, she always seems to have several excuses as to why she can do nothing to improve her situation. She might constantly appear as helpless, whiny, and maybe slightly attention-seeking.
I'm going to present to you a dialouge that might occur between you and an EM. Your setting: the mall.
You: Oh hey! I just found this really cute dress!
EM: That is cute. I bet it would look good on you.
You go and try said dress on and are examining your hot-ass self in the mirror.
EM: God, I wish I could fit into cute clothes like that, but I'm too insert random dislike about physical appearance here
You: Well, you could always try it on just to see. You never know!
EM: No, they probably don't have my size anyway.
You: You should go check to be sure.
EM: I don't know. I probably won't fit into it anyway because I'm (we'll go with the standard) fat. (anyone shop with someone like this, by the way? Annoying as hell.)
You: Oh...you know, if you're really worried about you're weight, you should try dieting.
EM: Dieting is too hard to stick to for me. I'm a picky eater as is.
You: Well how about exercise?
EM: Maybe...I never have time though.
You: You should make time. Even just ten minutes a day helps!
EM: It's just too hard for me to lose weight.
Okay, by this point you're probably rolling your eyes and thinking of someone you know. Here's another good scenario, this one is set in the workplace (I'll use a retail store, since I work in the retail biz):
You: Hey, did you get the project done last night?
EM: Well, I was going to, but we got too busy and I didn't have time. We had too many customers.
You: You could've worked on the project between customers, you know.
EM: Yeah, maybe, but I was too busy folding clothes customers messed up.
You: Then why didn't you just finish it up when the store closed?
EM: I didn't want to stay too late, I had stuff to do at home after work.
Seriously. We all know someone like this. Am I right? You know I am.
I should probably add that there are times when excuses are needed or can be given. That's not a problem. But a lady who is constantly giving a reason (and most of said reasons are pathetic) as to why she can't accomplish something or change something she doesn't like is an issue. No one wants to be the girl who always has an excuse. Don't be that girl!
So now that we've identified behaviors of the EM, how can we fix these behaviors, or better yet, understand why these behaviors occur in the first place? Most people (women OR men), become chronic EMs because of fear and insecurity. The EM may feel unconfident in her ability to change, and, in some cases, may fear the change itself. This can be why many EMs come across as having low self-esteem as well.
You can't be the good friend who fixes an EM. Only the EM can fix herself, and that's only if she really wants to put the time and energy into it. The best advice I can give to anyone who suffers from chronic excuse-making is to simply QUIT MAKING EXCUSES. Catch yourself doing the behavior, and stop it. Keep at it until you can catch yourself before the behavior even occurs.
Discussion question: Do you know anyone who falls into the category of the EM? Do you consider yourself to be an EM? If so, how do you plan to change or do you plan on changing at all?
See you lovers next week!
-Rein
I kid. I'm sure there's like...five of you who religiously read this, if not for the words of wisdom, then for the constant waves of snark and no-nonsense that I embody. And I do sincerly apologize for not making a post at all last week, so let me make it up to you by writing the first of what will be, I'm sure, SEVERAL of my rants against the female gender: Don't Be That Girl.
DBTG is going to be a new series of themed posts I write when I feel like spicing up this blog and detracting from the normal Model Monday and Art Wednesday routine. As a female, I quite naturally have a lot of problems with other females (hence why 93% of my friends are men), and I'd like to take a moment to point out those characteristics some women embody that drive the rest of our gender absolutely bat-shit crazy.
**Disclaimer** These posts are not, and never will be, directed at specific women I know personally, nor will any "scenarios" be a direct representation of someone I know personally or be taken from conversations I had in real life. I might be snarky, but I'm not a bully. If by chance you happen to take offense to these posts, it's probably because you actually embody the characteristics I'm ranting about and are getting a harsh dose of Rein Razer honesty. So keep that in mind before you go out for my blood. Okay? Okay.
Now, here we go! On to my first DBTG rant: The Excuse Maker.
The Excuse Maker (EM) is one of my least favorite people, gender aside. No matter what route could be taken, she always seems to have several excuses as to why she can do nothing to improve her situation. She might constantly appear as helpless, whiny, and maybe slightly attention-seeking.
I'm going to present to you a dialouge that might occur between you and an EM. Your setting: the mall.
You: Oh hey! I just found this really cute dress!
EM: That is cute. I bet it would look good on you.
You go and try said dress on and are examining your hot-ass self in the mirror.
EM: God, I wish I could fit into cute clothes like that, but I'm too insert random dislike about physical appearance here
You: Well, you could always try it on just to see. You never know!
EM: No, they probably don't have my size anyway.
You: You should go check to be sure.
EM: I don't know. I probably won't fit into it anyway because I'm (we'll go with the standard) fat. (anyone shop with someone like this, by the way? Annoying as hell.)
You: Oh...you know, if you're really worried about you're weight, you should try dieting.
EM: Dieting is too hard to stick to for me. I'm a picky eater as is.
You: Well how about exercise?
EM: Maybe...I never have time though.
You: You should make time. Even just ten minutes a day helps!
EM: It's just too hard for me to lose weight.
Okay, by this point you're probably rolling your eyes and thinking of someone you know. Here's another good scenario, this one is set in the workplace (I'll use a retail store, since I work in the retail biz):
You: Hey, did you get the project done last night?
EM: Well, I was going to, but we got too busy and I didn't have time. We had too many customers.
You: You could've worked on the project between customers, you know.
EM: Yeah, maybe, but I was too busy folding clothes customers messed up.
You: Then why didn't you just finish it up when the store closed?
EM: I didn't want to stay too late, I had stuff to do at home after work.
Seriously. We all know someone like this. Am I right? You know I am.
I should probably add that there are times when excuses are needed or can be given. That's not a problem. But a lady who is constantly giving a reason (and most of said reasons are pathetic) as to why she can't accomplish something or change something she doesn't like is an issue. No one wants to be the girl who always has an excuse. Don't be that girl!
So now that we've identified behaviors of the EM, how can we fix these behaviors, or better yet, understand why these behaviors occur in the first place? Most people (women OR men), become chronic EMs because of fear and insecurity. The EM may feel unconfident in her ability to change, and, in some cases, may fear the change itself. This can be why many EMs come across as having low self-esteem as well.
You can't be the good friend who fixes an EM. Only the EM can fix herself, and that's only if she really wants to put the time and energy into it. The best advice I can give to anyone who suffers from chronic excuse-making is to simply QUIT MAKING EXCUSES. Catch yourself doing the behavior, and stop it. Keep at it until you can catch yourself before the behavior even occurs.
Discussion question: Do you know anyone who falls into the category of the EM? Do you consider yourself to be an EM? If so, how do you plan to change or do you plan on changing at all?
See you lovers next week!
-Rein
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
My Digital Image Tutorial
Did you all know that I have a studio page for my artwork? You didn't? Here, let me give you the link, because when I get to 200 Facebook fans I'll be doing a giveaway, and I know you assholes love free shit:
https://www.facebook.com/bluerosestudios
If you actually go to said studio page and look around, you'll notice an album titled "Digital Artwork". You'll see a lot of trippy, psychadelic images that look like this:
"Psychadelic" by Blue Rose Studios
This:
Or maybe even this:
Okay, enough showing off (for now...) A lot of people have asked me how I go about making these digitized masterpieces. So, I decided to spend this week's Art Wednesday post listing the step-by-step guide I use to creating the digital works of Blue Rose Studios!
Step 1: Create a base imageDo you all know what a fractal is? If not, it's okay. Lots of people don't. A fractal is basically a visualization of a calculus equation, or, as I like to say, "Visual Math". I first discovered fractals on Deviant Art and LOVED it. There were so many cool colors and patterns and it fell into the abstract genre I love to work with so much. A nice gentleman who went by the username "FractalMonster" was kind enough to let me know how he went about making these, and told me where I could download a free program to make my own. So, I went and downloaded Fractal Forge 2.0 (it's free and legal, so feel free to download this if you want to try making your own!)
My first creation looked something like this:
Not bad for the early experimentation phase, right? Okay, it's pretty weak. I also hadn't really discovered my "method" yet. Thankfully, FM was very supportive and encouraging and gave me a lot of help.
When I discovered my own means of making digital images, I began to use this program to make what I call my "base image". Right now, the little amoeba-looking-thing above would be considered as such. Here's another example of a base image though, this one being to my most recent creation, "Haze":
https://www.facebook.com/bluerosestudios
If you actually go to said studio page and look around, you'll notice an album titled "Digital Artwork". You'll see a lot of trippy, psychadelic images that look like this:
"Psychadelic" by Blue Rose Studios
This:
"Snow" by Blue Rose Studios
Or maybe even this:
"Frost" by Blue Rose Studios
Okay, enough showing off (for now...) A lot of people have asked me how I go about making these digitized masterpieces. So, I decided to spend this week's Art Wednesday post listing the step-by-step guide I use to creating the digital works of Blue Rose Studios!
Step 1: Create a base imageDo you all know what a fractal is? If not, it's okay. Lots of people don't. A fractal is basically a visualization of a calculus equation, or, as I like to say, "Visual Math". I first discovered fractals on Deviant Art and LOVED it. There were so many cool colors and patterns and it fell into the abstract genre I love to work with so much. A nice gentleman who went by the username "FractalMonster" was kind enough to let me know how he went about making these, and told me where I could download a free program to make my own. So, I went and downloaded Fractal Forge 2.0 (it's free and legal, so feel free to download this if you want to try making your own!)
My first creation looked something like this:
Not bad for the early experimentation phase, right? Okay, it's pretty weak. I also hadn't really discovered my "method" yet. Thankfully, FM was very supportive and encouraging and gave me a lot of help.
When I discovered my own means of making digital images, I began to use this program to make what I call my "base image". Right now, the little amoeba-looking-thing above would be considered as such. Here's another example of a base image though, this one being to my most recent creation, "Haze":
All I did to make this was pick a default image in Fractal Forge, zoom in on a area of interest, change up the colors, and resize it to be the highest resolution possible. If you're a mathematical person, you could use math knowledge to help you out. But I'm NOT a math person, so I'm going entirely off of what looks "pretty".
Step 2: Open Photoshop/Gimp
If you have a (totally legal) copy of Photoshop on your computer, great! I generally use Photoshop to edit all of my base images. If you don't have Photoshop, though, Gimp works too. It's a free version of Photoshop that pretty much has all the same features Photoshop does (just not as fancy).
Open your base image in your program of choice. From here, it's all freeform and up to the artist. I generally make "layer copies" of the base image and then skew and distort them, change up colors, and maybe throw in a couple filters and paintbrush-based things until the image is the way I like it. Sometimes, this part takes 10 minutes. Sometimes, it takes an hour. It just depends on how much needs to be done for me to be happy with the final result. The final result for "Haze" took about 30 minutes of experimentation:
So there you have it. It's really not complicated, and it's a lot of fun! When I'm between progress on paintings I like to pop out a few of these to keep fans of my studio page interested. I also sell them as poster prints, and they make a nice addition to a household (trust me, I know, my parents have a ton of these hanging around their house)!
Happy arting, readers! Feel free to post links to any creations you make using the techniques I wrote about today :)
-Rein
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)