A very common theme seems to be popping up in my life. That theme generally makes people uncomfortable and no one likes to talk about it in depth - especially me - because it involves facing cold, honest truth that we'd rather shove to the back of our minds.
That theme is cutting a person out of your life.
I'm one of those people who can appear strong and badass on the outside, but on the inside be almost desperately needy for love and affection from others (I believe I went into more detail about this in a previous blog). Because of this, I will more often than not hold on to relationships that aren't good for me out of a fear of being alone, or remain friends with people who are poisonous for the same reason. I am good at convincing myself that "deep down they're good", or the classic and over-used, "I can change them!" mentality comes into play. For me, cutting a person out of my life is almost an impossible, not to mention crippling, feat.
But I've done it before. There is always hope, no matter how small.
I want to talk to you guys about recognizing when a relationship needs to come to an end with an unfriending on Facebook and a deletion of a phone number. There's signs, there's red flags, and once you've caught on to them you can decide whether or not to take action.
Now, keep in mind I'm referring to seriously mentally/emotionally damaging relationships in this post. I'm not saying you should cut someone out of your life just because you had a minor spat. People should only really be booted if they're doing serious damage to your happiness or stifling your potential to grow as a person. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do I get as much as I give in this relationship? Or do I give far more than I get?
I'm not talking about presents here - I'm talking about respect, understanding, compassion, and things of that nature.
2. Does this person support me and help me grow?
If the answer is no, ask yourself if this person more often than not puts down your ideas or seeks to "out do" you in your endeavors.
3. Does this person make me happy?
This is a hard one, because it involves a lot of brutally honest soul searching. Do you feel like this person lifts you up? Could you live (I mean, live) without this person in your life?
4. What would my life be like without this person in it?
If you feel like you would be more at ease, more stable, and more positive without him/her, it might be time to consider letting this person go.
I realize this all seems obvious and elementary, but the thing is, when it comes down to actually cutting someone out after you recognize they do you no good, sticking TO this is most often where I (and others) fuck up. Because it's so hard to resist the charm and dashing smile of someone you once really loved staring at you with that striking gaze, saying, "Baby, give me one more chance, I love you, I think about you all the time and" *cough* Yep, and there you have it, you're back in the pit.
You can probably tell I've been in this situation more times than I'd like to admit...
I realize that this may not be the ideal way to do things, and this won't work for everyone, but for me cutting a person out means getting as far away from that person as possible. Delete their number, block them on every social media site you use, and if they are in the same building as you, leave. For me, the only way I can successfully get rid of the poison is to force myself to believe it doesn't exist. That's probably a little...um...extremist, but if all else fails for you (because you're just as hopeless as I am) there is always that option.
This entry feels kind of rambly. I guess what I'm ultimately trying to say is that all of you, at some point, will come across a friendship or relationship that does you no good and you will need to end. You have to put on your big-kid underwear and be honest with yourself in recognizing the issue, and you really have to try hard to deal with the sadness and heartbreak of severing the connection. Luckily, there are things called ice cream and booze that help us deal with these issues!
Actually, maybe not booze. Booze leads one to want to drunk text/dial, and that could get you back into the pit too.
Maybe online shopping or exercise.
Till next time, take care of yourselves, and each other.
-Rein
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