Did anyone ever read that story in high school? I did...creeped the hell out of me. But it's a fitting title for what I feel like writing about today...which is me (well duh). More specifically: where I'm going, and where I've been.
Everyone has a backstory. Everyone has baggage, skeletons, things they're ashamed of, and triumphs. We carry it with us every day and it affects how we interact with the world around us. No brainer, Psychology 101 right there. Anyway, I want to share that baggage with you and how I'm going to use it to achieve my goals and come out on top.
I like to describe myself as a burrito of mild vanity and creativity (among some other ingredients) wrapped in a tortilla of an almost desperate desire to be loved, accepted, and admired. Top that burrito off with a thick sauce of "I want to be someone's hero!" and there you have me - a heart-attack inducing receipe for disaster.
Growing up was interesting. I wasn't the most attractive child (definite ugly-duckling syndrome), so I was consistently picked on by my peers for (of course) physical attributes. I was underweight, kind of tall for my age, lanky, far from graceful, and sporting some SUPER STYLISH coke-bottle glasses. About the only thing I could do well was draw, so of course that's the origin of me immersing myself in art to escape to a happy world of my own. I also found video games and cartoons to be an excellent form of escape as well, and in fourth grade, I discovered my first anime: Sailor Moon.
Being ten, ugly, and awkward, Sailor Moon became my first real female role model. She was gorgeous, strong, had lots of friends, and won the heart of a hot guy in a tux who was secretly a prince! WINNING! Who wouldn't want to be like that?
*cough* Ahem...well let's get back on track.
It's pretty much to be expected that since I was unpopular and fairly unattractive until late high school, I had low self esteem and, to go along with it, low expectations for dating, which led to my first "official" boyfriend being a huge scumbag (he still has a great big punch in the nose coming from me, among other things) and (get this cake-topper), getting engaged at the age of 17 to the first decent young man I met! Cause God knows, if I didn't snag him right then, I would never be with a nice guy again.
Obviously, he and I didn't marry. My parents, being "so unfair and uncool", said "no way in HELL" and made sure I went to college (because they saw me having a future and being successful - thank you Mom and Dad!). We figured we'd just...you know...hold off for four years and THEN get hitched, but we ended up breaking up about a month after my first term started. Yep, long distance at its finest.
My self esteem took an even greater downward spiral at that point, which I was able to soothe with copious amounts of liquor and "serial dating" (basically hopping from guy to guy to try and fill a void). Needless to say, my actions done through self loathing hurt a lot of people and got me a fantastically poor reputation around campus. It's a wonder to some that I didn't just transfer out and start fresh, but I figured the thing to do was to just learn from my mistakes and try to grow from them, proving to others that you can indeed be a fuck-up in your youth and in the end turn out great (or at least functional).
So I've got baggage. Who doesn't, right? I made my choices and have now come to a point in life where I must decide: Where am I going? At this point I walk many paths and any one of them could split far off from the others at any time. My modeling, my art, my involvement with improv - they could all remain close together, or fade off. Only time will tell.
But where do I want to go...
I want to be able to call myself a "local celebrity" in the Quad Cities. I'm well on my way.
I can't wait to get on stage and perform again. God I miss singing. Throw that in the mix too.
I want my artwork to sell regularly, and receive commissions on a regular basis.
More than anything, I want people to know my name.
Because who doesn't want to be known?
I'll admit this is a little on the heavy side in terms of blogs...that's okay. I'm having one of those days where I think a lot, and think deeply. So I apologize if I've depressed anyone. But I'm not ashamed of my baggage or my past. No one should be. Everyone has it going on. Embrace it, learn, and look towards the path ahead.
Until next time, lovers.
-Rein
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